A story of freedom

Hello Folks!

I just attended an encouragement party and felt so much love and motivation that I decided to share my story too.

I come from India, a country known for many things. I love India for the diversity it has: be it the different communities, different cultures, different landscapes and forests, mountains, rivers, birds, so many languages etc.The reason I joined World Pulse was the sense of community—a place where I am heard and connected with others, where I can learn from people from different cultures across the world. But honestly, I had little idea about it until I actually came here, and I must thank Kirthi for telling me about it.

Part I

I was not considered a "bright" child because I wasn’t doing well in my studies. My destiny was written even before I knew it by my family, which was to marry someone my family would choose when I reached the age of 18 or 20 (my studies delayed it). Most of my cousins got married by this age. This continues even today. Coming from a community like mine, the chances of a girl’s education are slim, and they become almost zero if the girl doesn’t do very well in her studies.

But somehow, I got interested in Science and Math in grade 9 (thanks to a tutor who would crack some lame jokes and relax me—it worked). Then nothing stopped me. I kept studying while my father kept finding a groom for me. I always had in the back of my mind that I could be married off anytime, but I was doing the best I could. I finished my master's in Physics and joined a school that gave me direction in life. Of course, the rules are not the same for boys (not that they didn’t face any repercussions from this system), but I saw this very clearly when my brother was encouraged to study, and I wasn’t. I wanted to study further and was very good in physics, but I was told to do whatever I wanted after marriage. I thought working somewhere was better than sitting at home. I joined a school that changed the direction of my life, and voilà—I had something that gave me a sense of fulfillment. Ironically, I had decided to be a teacher when I was in school, seeing how important the role of a teacher is. But as I grew older, my experience confirmed the decision I had made in school. I met people who were talking about a different education system. I wasn’t just growing; I was flying.

Unfortunately, I didn’t think my parents would understand or appreciate my passion for learning or living. I was then married to someone my family chose, even after I resisted so much. I was married into a patriarchal family. I tried my best to satisfy them, but I couldn’t, and it took a toll on my physical health. Fortunately, my parents realized this and helped me with the divorce.

I didn’t spend any time processing all of this. Coming from a patriarchal family where a girl can’t think for herself and is supposed to follow what others dictate, and then marrying into a similar setup, I thought that if I kept others happy, I would be happy too. After the divorce, I started working, and everything felt normal, but I didn’t realize that I hadn’t processed everything that had happened. I kept working in different alternative setups and worked hard until I eventually reached a breaking point and decided to take a break.

Part II

During these eight months of break, I read a lot, connected with nature, and started recognizing and understanding myself. I am working in the field of education and trying to understand how social justice can be achieved.I am trying to understand the kind of injustices exist and the reasons behind them. During this break I decide to learn about this more and work in this field. I want to see how education can help in understanding and then coming up with systems that are inclusive and just, where no one else decides for me. Hence I am trying to prepare for my masters in education. 

In these months, I rediscovered my relationship with birds. I would go to different places and see birds with my binoculars and journal about birds. I love watching them. There is so much inspiring and interesting happening in the world of birds. I watch them all the time from my window. It gives me a sense of comfort and excitement. I also tried my hands on painting. As a child I loved collecting flowers and it continued till now. I draw flowers mostly. I just love to play with colours. 

I am also trying to find what fulfills me. I love learning about new things, things that make sense to me. 

However, there are challenges. I am constantly reminded if not by others then myself that I am 34 and haven’t achieved anything in life. Age sometimes weighs on me. I don’t feel as free as I once did.

This journey of Part II has not been easy, and yet I know there is no other way to go about it. I feel all of us are seeking a sense of belonging, which is why I am here in the first place. I sometimes feel that I belong to a different era where there was more human connection and simplicity in the way life was lived. I love learning about different cultures and connecting with people from all walks of life.

I realise how important it is to be surrounded by people who motivate you and understand you. I am on this journey of being more authentic to myself and others.

I look forward to learn from you, to connect with you on this journey and I am confident that this is the place I can find people who would listen without judgement.

Thanks for reading.

Gratitude,

Nidhi