Aug 6, 2019
"The death of a beloved is an amputation.—C. S. Lewis" Being a parent and mostly a mother who carries a baby for the whole 9 month and goes through labour pains, that pain cannot be described BUT in the end it is the fruit of that labour which heals and makes you forget the pains of giving birth. Unlike amputation, your part is taken away forever and cannot be replaced no matter what. Any part of your body can be amputated and replaced by any other kind of plastic BUT that can never be the same as your own God given part of the body.
Losing someone close to you especially a child your were both joined by your umbilical cord is just like an amputation, when one part of your body is cut of, you will forever remain incomplete. when I first held my only daughter who was my 2nd child, I felt my life bucket list was on the right track as I prayed to God for a son and daughter. Being given the 1st son and now the daughter, I looked up to God and said "thank you Lord" for giving me that sweet and beautiful face I was holding in my arms, her beauty made me forgot all the pain I went through and decided to name her Dulcia which means sweetness. Just like her name, she grew up to be the sweetest girl I have ever known, became a woman before her age who could read my face to notice if mama was happy or sad. She was a 2nd mother to her own older brother. Instead of her brother taking care of her, she was the one taking care of him. Coming back from work, Dulcia will be back from school at a young age, already made sure the house is tidied and their home work is done without any supervision.
When we had visitors in the house, she will be the 1st one to offer them tea by boiling water for you and make sure cups are set, I will get worried thinking she will someday burn herself but she was always so careful and so neat. I wouldnt worry about reminding them of their school shoes needed to be polished or her hair combed. Every day when I come back from work, she will take off my shoes and did same to her late father, while doing that she will be singing Cindy Lauper song called "Time after Time - If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, Time after time, If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting Time after time" with such an angelic sweet voice.
When my younger son came to the world, she was like a mother who gave birth to him, bathed and fed him and I had nothing to worry about. When I was busy taking care of their father with his ailing kidney, Dulcia was a mother to her brothers and yes she meant every word when she sang Cindy Lauper's song, she was my angel brought to me by God at the right time as God knew I would be going through that bad time. She was 8 yrs when her father my late husband passed on and her elder brother 10 and the youngest 3 years old but Dulcia became my pillar of strength. She even told me that she was planning to be a social worker when she finishes high school because she want to help those who are emotionally troubled and I believed she was going to do a great job in that department. After completing her matric she enrolled with Unisa and decided to do law instead, the reason for doing that was seeing how her grandmother (my mother, struggled to claim some of my late father's inheritance since she was in a polygamy marriage) and the way we were treated by her father's family after he passed on and said she wanted to study family law to help people in similar situation.
During her 2nd year she decided to look for a job feeling the burden was heavy on me as a single mother, though i never encouraged her to that and wanted her to finish her studies first but insisted that she will study part time and promised she wont abandon her studies and she did just that. Though the part time route was longer but she promised she will eventually get there. She got the job and decided to find her own place closer to work and I realised that she was growing to be an independent woman and I loved that. Though she moved out, with the little she was getting she was always there for her siblings and myself, she made sure she share whatever she had, and made sure we never lack or hear me complain or stress about anything. She understood me so well that when she calls she could tell from my ton that something was wrong. There was no way I could hide anything from her, and she will remind me of her song every time I tried to hide something. While working for that company, she met her 1st boyfriend who appeared to be loving and very responsible. They showed each other love and affection and I believed that they both deserved each other. Just like it happened with me and their father she fell pregnant but before I could find out she told me her boyfriend proposed and the family want to come see me and I was happy.
After her traditional marriage which we call "lobola" in South Africa, that as when I learned about pregnancy and that was on my 50th birthday and she planned a surprise party for me on that day. I returned from hair salon and found my garden decorated with garden umbrellas and my whole family there, that was the best gift ever since my late husband. After giving birth of her daughter, her in-laws rushed that they needed to finalise everything for her to move in with them prior returning back to work. We arranged that wedding in a rush whereas I wanted to plan well for my only daughter but all was rush and rush and I didnt want to behave like a mother who didnt want to let go. What kills me most to this date it is her final words and I still want and wish to know what she meant because she spoke in parables when her mother in law was rushing the wedding, she said to me "Mama, if I had money, I could pay back their lobola and stay with you" in my thought I thought because we were close now she feels like she is going to have another mother it might not be the same because in my eyes I saw a man who loved and adored her. She again hinted by saying "this is my 1st child but my husband family denies me giving my daughter a name that i want and love" these two conversation still kills me inside when I start putting 1 and 1 together. My daughter got married on the 17 June 2016 and collapsed and died 28 June 2016 leaving her adorable 4 months old baby she loved so much. cause of death "unnatural"
The picture which will forever remain with me would be the one when we got to the mortuary on her 9th day being there, her body was still hot and couldnt freeze and still bleeding heavily below, blood flowing like a river. The mortuary tried all diapers but it couldn't be controlled still wet the diapers and runs. While still trying to get through this ordeal experience I have never seen before, the son I thought I had as my additional member of my family i.e. my son in law showed me flames when we were busy arranging for my daughter's burial. Since she just got married and havent changed anything yet, we found out she still had my name as next of kin for her funeral policy at work, when I thought I could get that money to help with the funeral, my son in law went ahead and stop the policy to be paid and said he was now married to my daughter what was hers was his, he went ahead and spoke to the bank which financed the car my daughter bought for me to take away the car because it was still under my daughter's name as we never anticipated her death to be so sudden. The killer point of the whole process was when my daughter's coffin was locked and my family and I were not allowed to pay or say our last good bye, my daughter? my owner daughter i raised for 28 years and was their daughter in law for only 10 days but now taken over as if receiving their lobola was like selling my daughter to be slaughtered for as a cow. With all that was happening in that short period of time I came to understand that my daughter did hide something from me when she said "if she had money she could give back their lobola" she saw something but kept it away from me, I dont know if that was a way of protecting me or was it some hope that things will change for the better? the question is still yet to be answered but by who?
On that day she collapsed and died, she was busy chatting to her younger brother via whatsapp, their discussion was, since now we done with her wedding, my young son was asking if she could now start planning his traditional wedding arranged for the 28 October 2016. My daughter was a good organiser and always spot on and everything she planned was of the highest standard and good with budget. As a whole family we relied on her when coming to planning anything and bringing family together. She would always call everyone ask how they were doing and made sure that my siblings and I stay connected. Even when at times the thought and feeling being used by my own family, she will bring me to order by saying "ah mama, family is family, we cant chose family" and I will recap and be myself again by acknowledging that family is everything and charity always begins at home. She chatted with her younger brother until 12 midday when she told him she need to recharge the phone and take a bath and also mentioned that she was busy settling into her new family as well as planning to go back to work that following Monday, she also shared with her brother that it was going to be difficult to leave her baby going back to work, and said if it was home meaning my house she would feel much better. My only last chat with her that day was when she asked how I looked and what I was wearing, when I told her about my old suit I was wearing, she remembered and she used to loved that suit, she said I must take my picture and send to her and I said I will do but failed to do that. When my young son realised she was quiet after the time they agreed they will resume chatting, he decided to call and my daughter's mother in law answered the call and said my daughter collapsed and she is no more, that was 14h00pm and this happened at 13h30 she said.
My daughter was due to graduate that year November 2016 completed her articles and be a lawyer by profession and all is gone. After the funeral, we were told that our roads with my in-laws ends there. my family and I were really surprised to hear that because even though my daughter was gone, I still have a grand daughter and we considered them as our extended family. As I speak, the last time I steeped into that family was on the 8 July 2016 which was the day we buried my daughter and been told that we can only see my grand daughter by appointment and depending on their availability. I see my grand daughter via pictures secretly taken and sent by one of their daughter in laws. I am tired fighting and I am tired paying legal fees just to see my grand daughter. the worse part is that, we are the only one visiting and cleaning my daughter's grave yard. Since they buried her it was over and done. all the people buried after my daughter they have tombstones. I humbled myself and contacted my son-in aw about this since he claimed that my daughter and everything she had is now his, I asked as to when will he put a tombstone because if he cant manage I am willing to do that myself because I know if it was I or any of my family members sleeping there, my daughter was going to make sure that as family a stone is placed there. My son in law told me he was planning her daughter's 2nd birthday 1st then tombstone and to date nothing happened. The thought of putting one only to be demolished because of spite breaks my heart. How do you live to forget the pain as a parent if such things are happening in your life?
As for my grand daughter, I wrote a story and told myself she is growing up and she will soon wants to know who her mother is and what happened and her mother's family. If God so remember me before she gets to that age, at least she will have something to read about her mother and what happened in her last until that day she collapsed. I am trying very hard to console myself by telling myself that "GOD ALSO DESERVES THE BEST" hence He took my daughter as one of His best. And my comfort words are "if it wasn't her, who else" because that other person I might be thinking it could have been them, is also loved and comes from another woman's womb. My daughter died in mysterious way and the picture of her blood dripping still live in my eyes, the blood dripping even from her coffin on a burial day BUT who else could give me the closure to date if I cant help myself by giving all to the Lord or else it end up killing me slowly. Piece of my heart has been amputated but thanking God that the half that I still have keeps me going and my hope and faith that someday, this darkest moment would be clearer and the truth prevails because it doesn't stay dark forever.
Samuel Johnson said "Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be." I still say.. from the ashes we will continue to rise and so from this pain we will overcome.