Have you ever seen that movie called "My Best Friend's Wedding" and that scene at her house on the day of her marriage. Jewels is asked by Michael to go speak to Kim about it and they sit down at the table together. Jewels tries to give her an example of Kim being 'Creme Brulee' and what Michael wants and needs is "jello" and goes something like:

Kim: I can be Jello
Jewels: Creme Brulee can never be jello. You are never going to be jello.
Kim: I have to be Jello!

That scene sprang to mind when I was thinking about myself and wanting to identify with my roots. I have never thought of myself as 'western mindset' but as Alaskan Native. I have wondered lately if what I think and feel is similar to what others think and feel and realize it is different in a way. I guess it is because I was raised in a western city that this is so but is kind of unnerving a bit too.

But that scene about the jello sprang to mind when I was trying to picture an image for what I was thinking and feeling. I pictured a strawberry dipped in white chocolate for me instead of the creme brulee like you can see around Valentine's day. And then pictured that scene in my mind when thinking of it from a "native" viewpoint. That sort of idea to just be yourself and I do find it unnerving since these are the kinds of images that do spring to mind for me... When wanting my writing to appeal to Natives too I do get that feeling of the scene and her desperate cry of 'I have to be jello!' and the other saying 'you're never going to be jello.' as my fears about this.

It makes me think of that scene in Shakespeare's play "Much Ado About Nothing" and that line that goes something like "Being none other then as she is, I like her not." But that is not as negative as it sounds since the guy knows his friend is crazy about the girl. So I guess it means, for now at least, that my writing wont appeal so much to other natives until I can learn to write from my heart and have it meant for a native audience instead of a western one. It will be interesting to me if I can accomplish this or not given that the images and such that first spring to mind are western ones... It was really unnerving and upsetting to me last night that I might never be able to do it! Imagine that sort of psycho theme in those horror movies playing right now to capture that sense of suspense I am feeling about it all...

I have to leave for work now..

Maria