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Me Myself and God.

1978 when my grandmother sent me to my parents.
1978 when my grandmother sent me to my parents.

It was a sunny morning when Dante, my son's dad went in the room and said goodbye before going to work. He left some money for the meals of he day. I knew this was a day of change and marking in my life. I woke up like there was no tomorrow and I guess it was more the fear of him coming back and seeing me gather my immediate things to flee. 

My son was six years old and I had no plan to leave him behind. I knew the money he left wasn't enough to leave so I took my camcorder and cd player to the store on the corner. The lady there knew me as a regular customer. I had to take a bus from the small town of Atlixco Puebla to the city of Puebla and the big city of Mexico City. I had an aunt there and I hoped to get to her home sooner or later.

"I have an emergency and am selling these two electronics" I said to the store lady. I never knew her name. She was bulky and looked mean but once you spoke to her she was quite pleasant. She had short hair and a really round face.

"How much do you want for these both?" she asked

I honestly do not remember but I told her they were from USA and good name brands. She gave me money right there and then and I felt some kind of  adrenaline start my body. I ran back to the house about a block and a half and I took a gym bag and put Alan's stuff in first and just a few things of mine.

I had run away from a very dysfunctional family into a man almost twice my age. Growing up with physical and emotional abuse was the reason Id rather be anywhere but home. I met Alan's father in the US and we then came to Mexico together. I never told a soul about my plan. The promising life of love and togetherness and family unity was enough to buy me and leave. I was 19 years old and he was 36. 

Once we got to this little town in Mexico he changed almost instantly. His favorite word was JUST OBEY and everything will be fine. That's where the best lesson of my life started. 

I remember I carried Alan and the heavy gym bag left bloody marks on my shoulder. I couldn't go back to NY because my parents would kill me and so I was alone in the world. I didn't really care. Something inside me or maybe the love for my son and knowing he depended on me made me invincible. At least that's how I felt. I had no clue where I was going or how to get there. I just knew I had to leave that place of abuse and almost suicide. I finally got to the big city of Mexico and I had no memory of where my aunt lived. The next logical thing to do was to go to the border. But then I thought, Alan was born in Mexico. I couldn't be stopped and in my naive mind, I went straight to Brownsville Texas and I knew something had to happen. I had no idea what, but I knew that was where I needed to go. If you ask me to do this again , never in my sane mind would I be crazy enough to do this but when you are desperate and you are cornered by the demons that you escaped, fear is not an option.

When I got off at the bus stop full of thousands of people I was scared. I froze and panicked for a minute. I saw old ladies, beggars, men in hats with guns and different kinds of people selling stuff. I was overwhelmed. I was 26 years old but this world was new to me. I was very scared and asked God to please help me. 

I had no choice but to think quick and act. I got in a taxi and asked how much did it cost to bring me to the Greyhound station on the other side of the border. I remember him saying it was twenty dollars. I got in right away but a sweat like I never knew before started wetting all my clothes and forehead seemed like an endless waterfall. I had my legal documents but Alan was just a kid and as he was playing Nintendo right next to me I smiled and hoped he would forgive me for taking him away from his father although he would thank me one day I believed. What was I going to say to the officer? What id I go to jail? I until this day do not know how I had the guts to do this. I feel it was God bringing me in his holy arms. When we finally got to the bridge and the officer asked where was I going, I said just to buy a few things. I showed him my residency and he asked about the boys identity. I said he was my son and nervously I turned to him and said, "Who am I?" He said "Mom" I proceeded to tell the officer that I forgot his papers but that he was a citizen but that I would be careful to bring them from now on. The next five seconds felt like an eternity. It was hot and I felt all the pressure in the world on my forehead. I remember seeing the officers arm on the top part of the taxi. He looked annoyed wondering what to do with my situation. A million things came to my mind. It was as when in a movie someone dies and sees their most memorable and important events in their life. I really believed it was going to be the end of me and in a desperate way it was easier to face anything at this moment than to be in his home where I was a prisoner in disguise.

Finally the officer said, "Go ahead but please have his papers from now on."

"Thank you sir, I will." I said in a calm voice. Even to this day as I mention this moment, tears come to my eyes with many emotions. I don't know if it was because I knew English, or because Alan was playing Nintendo and spoke English and it appeared we were American. Ill never know what made him let us through but I do know with the force in my heart that a love we cannot see or touch but just feel accompanied me. I know God exists and he was the one who opened all paths for me ever since. I am now 48 and will be celebrating my 49th birthday on November 26. It has not been easy because my life just continued to face difficult situations. The healing process is slowly but surely and to live and know life, know love is better than a suicide. Ever since then, I know everything is up to me. Not my parents, not a man or any one else. I am the boss of my life and with God's blessings I am now able to see the worthy in me and I love myself more than ever. Isolation and loneliness no longer hurts. I have learned the great power I have inside me and how precious life is. A woman's heart is like an ocean of secrets only she can understand.  I love you all. We are all one.

No more hitting me physically

No more hitting my feelings.

No more feeling unworthy...I found the strength and beauty inside me. Everything is up to me.....Silvie




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