Me, Whole-heartedly
May 28, 2019
Story
First and last name scrunched together
That was me- Carrie Lee
Hitting grand slams, flexed arm hanging, setting school records,
Carrie Lee
Alive. Feeling my greatness.
And then...
Putting myself in line,
don’t let yourself shine,
girls don’t play,
follow the rules,
go to school,
do it right.
Serve the machine.
Serve the machine
whatever it may be,
the car, the computer and society.
Ah...
The critical error-
The machine is meant to serve,
and yet we are at it’s service.
An exhausting life that is
Shaping ourselves into the wheels that turn.
Forgetting our soul is meant to soar!
Then he comes through the door
needing a spreadsheet of what I’ve done all day.
How did it get this way?
I am a caterpillar stuck in her cocoon forever.
I am miserable.
I’m a 1950’s housewife, of the un-liberated variety,
minus the apron and heels.
Shorts and flip-flops my only evolution
and I tell you I can not live like this.
He tells me I’m not contributing or sacrificing.
NOT SACRIFICING?
How can this be?
How can this be when I feel like I’ve sacrificed my entire self?
I can not draw up a spreadsheet
of the love and the care,
the precious time and the mundane.
And the feeding, and the cleaning, and the rocking,
and the giving of my simple presence.
Because of this does my contribution not exist?
There it is-
I am non-existent in my own life,
a life I thought I’d wanted,
a life I thought I’d chosen.
I cannot see myself
except through his eyes.
Those eyes looking at me incomprehensibly.
How did it get this way?
We cannot measure the immeasurable
so we say it doesn’t exist.
We ignore what comes in the silent exchange
so precious we cannot name.
We give our minds full reign.
We say we honor the makers of the home, the raising of the children.
Yet here in the USA we give no paid leave.
Our women die in childbirth in numbers higher than any industrialized nation.
It is accepted to display our breasts in public
but obscene to feed our babies.
There is still not equal pay.
And let’s not forget we had to win the legal right to use birth control pills
and that only just happened in 1965
and even then, it was a reserved right for married women.
Let’s not forget our grandmothers couldn’t apply for credit until 1974
and let’s not forget our mothers could have been legally fired from their jobs for becoming pregnant with us.
Let’s not forget that men are still making decisions
regarding our reproductive lives!
In this nation
Where I’m told how empowered I am.
So when I say
I am on my knees
They look at me through his eyes,
incomprehensibly.
You’ve got everything you need
You stupid girl.
But I know greatness
It is right here inside of me.
I know what I want
I want to be my whole and holy self,
my wild, organic self
my open, receptive, intuitive, trusting, heart-knowing self.
I know who I am
I am Carrie
Carrier of the creative
So I showed up every day
to greet her.
To invite my genius to come out and play.
Get up off my knees
Claim my life
Bare feet in the grass
I listened
and I felt my emergence.
Sitting with my self
Building an unforeseeable future.
Infinitesimal and nearly imperceptible steps
bringing me here,
grand canyons from where I once was.
This inner life,
it is everything.
Nothing had to change.
And everything had to change.
I know the world, I love the world, I am the world!
Not because I’ve been out there
conquering it
But because of this inner repository, this treasure trove of wisdom.
Inside of me the world spins round.
And now this vortex of love
spins out of me and into you.
When I see a woman in pain
I know she is on the edge of becoming something new.
I know she is capable of pulling up some previously unused power within her.
And I know we are all capable of using
our suffering, our collective crises
as doorways
to a higher human awareness.
Beloved opportunities to be whole and holy.
Now I see our tools and technologies
cannot bring progress
without progress in our human consciousness.
You see?
Just like me
who had to learn
that the heart must lead,
and the mind must be at its service.
Now I see
me
And he can see me now,
comprehensibly.