Reminders for Young Feminist Girls

Dear Younger Me,

How does it feel to be 18? Do you really feel like an adult? Is college all that you had hoped for and more? Or are you slowly finding out that it's more challenging to occupy space in an unfamiliar, new environment than you thought? Even as you figure out college life with all its ups and downs (more ups than downs though, I can guarantee you that!), here are a few things I would like to tell you to as your older self:

1. You do not know this yet, but you are a feminist. Remember how when you came up with your signature, you added an "S" at the end to have your mother's initial and not just your father's? Yes, you have always been a feminist; you just don't know that word or its meaning as yet.
2. It is much easier to share advice and theoretically analyse/understand things that a feminist should and shouldn't do than it is to live by such advice and make such choices. Yes, it will be very hard to stand up for what you believe in, especially when that involves contradicting your loved ones. But it will be worth it (most of the times at least!).
3. I know you find yourself daydreaming about the "man of your dreams". Right now, that probably looks like Edward Cullen. A few years down the line though, you will realise how toxic a boyfriend he is and move on to realistic and better dreams of who you want to end up with. And you do find a feminist man to marry (YAY!). While that makes your future life largely easier, patriarchy rears its ugly head in a lot of other ways in personal and public spheres. Be prepared to fight and stand up for what you believe in. Yes, it is exhausting. Yes, it is a relentless pursuit. But the joy and satisfaction of trying to align the world around you with what your values, ideals, and principles? Priceless.
4. Do you often think of and envision a gender-equal world where marriages and parenting are 50:50? I hate to break your bubble, but a marriage or parenting can never be 50:50 even with the most hands-on partner. Why? Varied reasons - biology, hormones, unfair institutions and systems which favour men, imbalances in mental load, and a lot more. So remember, like Michelle Obama said, "You can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time."
5. At most pivotal moments in your personal and professional life, you will wonder if the decision you are making is a feminist one or not. You mostly succeed in making the feminist choice, but sometimes it is too hard and you just cannot make those choices. Pick your battles. Remember to be gentle on yourself and not hold yourself to impossible standards. You are human after all and the world is still largely patriarchal even though your close circles are not. It's a long drawn out battle and it is okay to feel tired sometimes and want to give up.
6. And finally, you have a lot of amazing things to look forward to in life. Agency in your decisions, a feminist partner, friends who cheer you on, and male friends who know and recognise that pregnancy is very hard. Hold these people close, and use them to further create egalitarian spaces around you. You are doing a great job and I am proud of the woman you are becoming!

Lots of love,

31-year-old Nanditha