THIS TIME, THE URGE TO LEAVE IS EVEN STRONGER

Previously, I used to really wonder why people would want to leave a job that paid them salaries, to find another job or just to focus on a dream that has not been fully defined. I wondered even more when they were leaving high-paying jobs -- I assumed everyone would just settle when they find those jobs that swells their bank account. When ever I came across those people, before, I would laugh in my heart and think they were going crazy. So I thought.

Today, reality has hit me. I just can't settle. I feel the urge to leave and just work for the things and people that my heart beats for. I want to chase a dream that is not clearly defined but I see hope. By clearly, I mean in terms of finances; salary to pay staff and myself, and or even stipend to pay volunteers. 

In 2011, I started working two jobs -- a journalist for an online media and a government job. My career as a journalist with that media grew so fast. The pay was good, too. But when I created my crazy dream of a non-profit called Rescue Women Cameroon (REWOCAM) in 2013, I was asked to make a decision between the two as they cited conflict of interest as a reason -- I fearfully chose the undefined dream, REWOCAM. Yes, I left a high paying journalism job for several reasons. Story for another day.

Just so I talk a little more about REWOCAM -- REWOCAM has grown from strength to strength over the years. From when I created REWOCAM shortly after graduating from the World Pulse Voices of Our Future Program in 2013, we have successfully implemented over 20 impactful projects in Cameroon, geared towards the empowerment and development of women and girls. From scholarship for girls, to the fight against child rape -- work has been super fun. Today, REWOCAM is hosting seven full time volunteers and staff who come to work 6 days a week, from 8am to 4pm, putting in their time and energy, for free, but we are all doing so happily. Our mission is simple -- fight for the rights and voices of women and girls. We quite often give our very small stipends after project executions, which of course is weighing my personal finances down, but I am not complaining. They all deserve it. It doesn't happen all the time but I am glad that they, like me, are not complaining. That is the spirit of work and desire to push the sisterhood agenda forward.

Back to why I am writing this post...

Today, yet again, I am feeling that strong urge to leave the only job that is giving me a sure and secure monthly pay. Not a very big pay, though.. I want to leave my government job. People struggle to get service numbers (\"matricules\") in Cameroon -- right? Yes, right. People pay huge sums of money to bribe their way into the government payroll. I did not, I was lucky. But I want to cancel this service number that was given to me by the government, out of merit, and just move on and explore my dreams -- I have multiple dreams. I have grown to the position of Divisional Delegate with the government ministry of Women's Empowerment and the Family (so it is called because of a loose translation from French to English) but still, this particular dream, keeps reoccurring and forcing me to leave. I love the Civil society space and heaven knows my Organization is still at baby stage but I can't handle my urge to quit any more. I want to explore the Civil society space and find my space within. Whether working for another established civil society or just building my own, my heart tells me this is where I belong. I thinking I am crazy, awkward, stupid. Am I? Does anyone think my dreams are valid? Should I follow my heart? My head is bursting!!! But hey, my dreams are bursting even loudly.