From Ashes to Beauty

If you are stuck in an abusive and dysfunctional marriage or relationship, this is for you.

There will be a few deciding moments in this situation, so if you have tried before, and ended up going back, it's okay. Forgive yourself and try again. Based on my experiences, leaving an abusive marriage is some sort of spiritual and mental warfare. It requires patience and resilience.

The first time I decided to leave I was about 5 months pregnant. We had already lost our second house and we were living in a 1 bedroom flat near the south of Durban. My body was rejecting the pregnancy and the docto4 had ordered strict bed rest, which I couldn't afford at the time because we needed money. My then husband was the one with a driver's license and a car, so he would drop me and pick me up from work. He didn't quite favor me having my own car because that would mean having too much fredom, he had told this to a psychiligist once during marriage counselling. Nonetheless, at this point in my life, I was pregnant and my marriage was on the rocks. He was insecure and he always accused me of sleeping with anything on two legs. So when I found out I was pregnant I had already made up my mind that I was leaving. So I didn't want the doctor to tell him about the pregnancy. Little did I know gaht he was standing outside the door, eavesdropping on out conversation.

What followed then were more and more accusations and my family being called and informed that I wanted to hide the pregnancy because the baby is probably not his. The weeks following that, things became so bad that I he not only punished me by making me walk kilometres from work, but he repeatedly forced himself on me, trying to make me lose the baby. Itt was at that point that I decided to elave and save myself and my baby. I had no money, he controlled our finances, even though I worked also. My only option was to get money from a loan shark - you know the ones where you leave your bank card and Identity Documents. I got the money and the proceeded to find a lawyer in the yellow pages. I visted his office and filed for divorce. On the day he would be served, I booked myself my very first flight ever, and packed my bags and left. He was not gonna find me there, because he had made it clear that if I ever tried to leave, he would kill me with his bare hands. Needless to say, family members intervened, and he begged and I went back. After all, in Zulu Culture and language, divorce doesn't exist and I wasn't just his wife, I belonged to the entire clan. So the uncles did their job and went to fetch me.

5 years later, we were now on a new level of marital turmoil. He had started to blatantly disrespect and abuse me woth no care of who was watching. He would leave me and go partying in local drinking holes. He would manhandle me, and finally, he left and didn't come back home, with my mother in the house. He insteucted me not to speak to my brother, because my brother favoured me. He accused him of trying to break up our marriage. He strangled me in from of my mom, my househelp and the kids. Heck! Before that day, he would follow me around even whenI spent time with my friends and sit there listening kn on our conversations. Whenever we had family meetings, he would coach me on what to say, and what not to say. If I deviatedd from the script, I would get into trouble.

This time, on my final exit, I didn't announce, I filed for divorced and lfet gim in Saudi Arabia whwre we worked together, and moved to Oman. From Oman, I came back to South Africa and divorced him in absentia, leaving all my everything behind. I only asked to kee my two boy. I simply left! No arguments, no meetings, nothing!

True to his promise, he wasn't going to let me go that easily. As soon as I reached Oman, the financial sabotage followed. He withdrew care from our kids. The death threats also followed. He also used the other women to provoke and disrepect me. He forced our children to go through his new partner when they needed something. He would call and brag about how much money he had since I left. He rented and bought vehicles cash, while I worked three to 4 jobs at a time, just to keep the lights on. I even had to beg and grovel for his signature when kids needed government papers. All of this taugh me a few lessons. 1. I could never rely on him. 2. He will always choose violence when dealing with us. 3. I didn't have to win every battle with him, so I needed to choose my battles carefully and focus on the main thing, which was getting full custody of my kids. So, at times I had to agree to play "happy family" and go out with him and our kids "as a family" or be pleasant to his girlfriend so my kids could get that last minute red T-shirt taht the school wants for Valentine's day.

Three years later, I published my first book, a memoir- From Ashes to Beauty: A black Woman's Journey through Divorce. A year later I graduated with my Masters in Education from the University of Dundee in Scotland. Looking back, I can hardly recognise the woman I used to be. My kids are grown and happy. My life may not be all rosy, but I am in an a far better place than I would have been had I stayed married.