How To Drop The Feel-Good Technique & Craft Your New Boundary Blueprint

Setting boundaries... Something everyone seems to dread. We know now that boundaries are necessary to protect ourselves, but wow... how that other person keeps haunting our thoughts!

We often think that setting boundaries involves expressing what we don't like, combined with threatening the other person with the consequence when they cross our boundaries. Terribly scary and one of the biggest reasons we're not that good at it! Time for some new perspectives.

Let's start with the biggest obstacle that lingers in your mind: the other person. Or course, someone is allowed to set their boundaries. Someone is also allowed to ask for some space. But... they are not allowed to treat you disrespectfully.

Take a moment to answer the following question: what does respect look like for you?

Is it... Justifying behavior because you understand what the other person is going through? You understand how the other person feels better than anyone yet at the same time... you deserve respect.

Is it... Allowing certain behavior because you think it's a one-time thing or maybe just temporary? The price you pay to love someone should not mean that you don't respect yourself. They treat you as they are. Do they really need to prove that to you 8, 9, 10 times?

Behavior alone is reason enough to distance yourself from someone or end any form of relationship.

This doesn't mean they're necessarily a bad person. It means they can't give you what you need and want, no matter how hard you try.

This also doesn't mean you always attract the wrong kind of people. It means you need to listen to yourself better and have enough respect for yourself to choose you.

Creating excuses for someone eases the pain. Even if that means we are gaslighting ourselves when we do. Do you recognize this?

"Yes, he/she lied to me because I'm naive. I should/might/could have..."

No. They lied to you because they chose to lie to you.

"People just sometimes lie."

True, but please realize that there's a moment when a person consciously chooses to lie. Fear and shame are the main reasons someone lies, but there's a moment when someone sits on the couch and thinks, "I can't handle this/I don't want to/I'm scared/I know how others will react or not, I'm afraid that..." This is terrible, but I don't want to feel pain, so you'll have to.

Fear is understandable, but it doesn't change the fact that someone consciously took the risk to hurt you. In a good relationship where the bond is strong, fear also plays a role. Except then, someone opens up despite their fear. They are honest about their fear, and they will tell you anyway.

Lies break trust and it's not up to the person who has been lied to, to be understanding. When trust is betrayed, an apology should be made, and a repair should take place. When someone doesn't take an active role in repairing what he/she has damaged or loses their patience with you, this behavior quickly becomes normal. If there are no consequences for him or her because temporary consequences have become predictable and have long been factored into the consideration...The person clearly has no idea of the effect of his/her behavior or has too little respect for you to commit to the relationship.

I would like to encourage you to see the truth for what it is. Easing your pain by inventing an explanation that indirectly gives consent to keep hurting you, will make you a master at ignoring your pain.

Creating answers and excuses for someone, ensures that you eventually don't know who or what you can trust anymore. After all, you filled it in yourself every time something didn't add up. Now you don't even trust yourself anymore.

Self-respect is gaining insight into behavior and patterns and seeing the truth as it is. Self-respect is listening to the whispers that tell you harsh truths, because they wish you all the happiness and love in the world. Self-respect is dropping the feel-good technique like a brick, because it temporarily comforts us with falsehoods only to devour us with doubt and confusion later.

Disregard that feel-good technique that misleads you by making everything seem better than it is, and keeps you trapped in unhealthy situations. Stay true to yourself and embrace your self-respect as a source of empowerment. Let it guide you in creating meaningful connections based on mutual understanding and respect in your relationships.

Let's check in with ourselves once more: how do we feel about setting boundaries and standing up for ourselves now?

(This story is a chapter from the book: the unaware self-gaslighter. Each week, I translate a chapter or two for you to read here on Worldpulse. I would love for you to follow along. Thank you for reading my book, chapter by chapter. I appreciate you)