I refuse to be a Coward!

Our lives are the consequences of our choices. My name is Purity Waithira and I recently clocked 26, if I were asked years back at this age I would be married probably with a kid but that is not the case. For some reason I decided to take a chill pill and let things flow because I don’t want to regret it, I don’t want to be prey in the name of I’m running out of time, I mean succumbing to the pressure of settling down.

The cases of marriages breaking even before they begin caught my eye and for some reason I wanted to know the reasons as to why it was so here are my findings:-

We have chosen silence all in the name of keeping relationships hoping they will lead to marriage, well they say that silence is the best ship home but on this, I disagree. Keeping silent will send the wrong message home that you’re content with what your partner does. In case the two of you decide to settle down and the same happens you can’t complain and if you do, your partner will choke on it, terming you as a chameleon(changed after marriage), and will eventually adopt staying out late just to avoid your “nagging”. Communicate effectively and efficiently as matters arise, they may not be comfortable with it and it might break or make you but at some point in life, you will be glad you did.

Love is not enough, you can’t marry someone just because you love them, love is not enough. They say the day when you finally figure out why you love someone the same way you seize to love them because there should be no particular reason as to why you love someone. There is a likelihood that when the love fades away the person will no longer interest you and you will be done with them. When making lifetime decisions in marriage make sure there is that thing that holds you back and makes you want to make up other than quitting every time, something worth.

Be real, don’t stage character just to make someone fall in love with you, if they are not contented with the real you pat yourself on that back and console yourself it wasn’t meant to be and that better will find you at the appropriate time.

Secrets, the skeletons in your cupboard, please take them out before settling down because handling them after marriage may bring about trust issues, your partner might never get to trust you ever again. If they love you they will stick with you but if they don’t just know it was not the secret, they just never wanted you. Your past doesn’t define you, you’re not proud of it, but you have learned from it and want to change that is something and you deserve a second chance to right that wrong but if they are not willing to walk with you down that road let them go.

The circles we keep, just like we have different complexions, priorities among other things so do we have different preferences when it comes to selecting partners. You can’t succumb to the influence of how your partner should look, learn to stand for what you want, you can’t succumb to the influence at the expense of your future, and you owe yourself informed decisions. Again your friends can only advise you but should never make the decisions for you, you’re the only person who knows what your partner is like and whether he/she deserves the risk.

Courtship has become more of a time of impressing one another other than getting to know yourselves. Don’t drown yourself in the moment and forget to lay the necessary foundations to support the future. Discuss everything at this point, your fears, insecurities, family, health, ambitions, career, short and long-term goals, wealth, and kids. These topics will go a long way in helping one another grow, and prepare for the future in that they have a clue of what to expect and if they are not okay with it opt out sooner to avoid getting hurt. Health is quite important let's not future happening to catch them unawares, it feels like betrayal. Discussing finances at that, age and time is very important, from saving to investments and expenses.

Competition, never compete with your partner just to prove a point, especially trying to prove financial stability, you’re partners and not rivalries and with the way times are changing and the economy making people strain, choose to help and offer help when the need arises don’t play hero when you need help. 

Healing, take your time and heal, make peace with yourself first because you can’t give peace when you hardly have it. Your past pathetic partner's doings shouldn’t let you bleed on the wrong people, give people the benefit of the doubt, they all bring something different, and don’t cage them in one bad experience from the past.

Reference and alluding, your parents, relatives or friends' marriage is not your type of marriage. If it failed it doesn’t mean yours will fail and if it was successful it is not a guarantee that yours will be successful as well, learn to run your race at your own pace, allusion could cause more harm than benefits. You’re not your parents so build on fresh foundations and keep your hope alive and make it work. It is okay to allude but not work from that allusion because you will be running your life from someone’s ground and in as much as it may be successful to them it might be the ground in which drown.

Third parties and taking sides, when going into a marriage remember it is not a walk in the park or a bed of roses but its beauty lies in your willingness to work on it. Your marriage is not a community affair so don’t treat it as such. Unless it is extremely needful don’t involve your family in it and don’t disrespect your partner in front of them. Get one another’s back.

Learn to compromise for it is not about what works for you as an individual but you as a couple. Above all seek God’s intervention in everything for some battles as much as they need much energy they are physical. Pray for one another, the devil is out and about to destroy beautiful unions.

Never go into marriage just because you sired a child together or from a family matchmaking, go into it because it is what you want!

If we try we address some of these issues maybe there will be more successful marriages, let's tell ourselves the truth no matter how painful it is at least we can save ourselves frustrations and regrets. Life itself is a risk so give yourselves as many chances as you can but while at it make sure those risks are worth it and never mistake time wasting for patience. It all starts with you, the change to a better tomorrow lies in your hands, I hope we all find our match and enjoy our lives to the fullest.