I started giving up on myself

Ever felt like your working so hard to be better, to improve your lifestyle, expand your territory & it seems like you're moving ten steps back???

Do you feel like you're surrounded by thorns choking you from becoming the best version of you, you've dreamed of.

Telling you who you should be, replaying your failures & never celebrating your little wins, quick to criticize & say 'why aren't you financially stable if your job is really a job; Or is an excuse of an occupation.'

On the days you struggle, they make you feel more worthless, triggering you & offering nothing but tailored made one size fits all solutions that you know, would never work or solve your problems.

Within, you know who you are, who you would become, but your present is making you lose hope if this dream, is too big to be achieved.

Well those three battles: Battle with Self, with home/family/ friends & the world. Silent chaos only I can see & feel as I slip into the murky abyss of questioning my self worth & impact on mother earth.

I gave up & stopped trying. I felt exhausted because I would network, I would save, take a loan, take several courses, date, be vulnerable, take risks, go for therapy, have introspection, to find myself, find work, find love but each time, after several tries so would look promising, some would not materialize. I would get back & when I'm all alone I would cry & scream; Feeling miserable, broke, hopeless & dying inside.

The cracks are getting bigger.

I stopped praying, I felt God wasn't listening anymore.

I wanted it to end but I couldn't kill myself, who would take care of my daughter?

This was one reason that kept me from committing suicide four years ago 2019.

I had battled with myself more than I ever thought I would & I told myself if nothing good happens in February 2019, I would end it.

But the irony is if it was just me I was unliving, it wasn't a double crime was it?

I'm so sure, God was laughing at me when I found out I was pregnant & I couldn't go through with it.

That would be murder. I already felt like a murderer a year before but that wasn't intentional. I didn't mean for her to die by my hands.

Going through with this, would only be pure evil.

Giving birth to my daughter gave me hope, more hope than I had previously; the battles seemed less & I kept fighting to stay alive & thrive.

By the end of 2023, I began to lose hope & my past haunted me, the battles grew louder.

Hurt, failure, broken promises, some offers of help were bait to mock me & puppet my life's journey, heartbreaks, toxicity, unable to start over in a new job, home, country, better friends & love enveloped me. I was suffocating but no one saw I was drowning.

I found it increasingly harder to go to my happy place. I was all alone.

I can't go back to the old me who escaped the heavy emotions. No!

That was too much of a price I paid.

I'd made a choice to live a purposeful life & help others champion their cause to a fulfilled thriving lifestyle.

I need to find me, the broken pieces, I need to find the broken pieces of me.

I had asked God for 3, well 4 things but he wasn't answering me & I grew angry, impatient & helpless. Giving me these 4 things would change my life, at least 2 out of the 4 or 3 out of the 4.

Was I dreaming too big to work with Tim Burton, DreamWorks, Disney, Pixar, Marvel, PS, Xbox, Wii, Bollywood, Nollywood, Hollywood;

To act, sing, write stories, produce films & books, dance, entertain, create gaming & become a global icon; healing people through my works?

How can I not express myself & all that I am feeling? When bottling it all up in the past ate away at me faster & I was a corpse roaming the streets of the living.

Numb.

I feel alive when I entertain. Creating makes me feel liberated & free.

It's a New Year, but I'm not motivated.

I don't have a plan.

I don't know where to go or start.

🎶I'm not at home in my home.

I tried & tried to say what's on my mind.🎶

If you're listening God, Universe, I'm lost I need help & guidance.

Show me why I'm still here.

What is my why on Earth?

Let's see how I navigate my battles to become a fulfilled, focused, serene, happier human ...

****

Steps I take to:

I ask myself "Are you ready to Thrive?"

Check Mental Health.

Set out on a path to Self Discovery.

Plan for a future with values, goal & gratitude.

Plan financial stability & Career paths

Practice forgiveness for self & others.

Cut off Toxic energy & people.

Feel each emotion & acknowledge it. (Cry if I need to)

Seek a Support community you trust & feel safe.

I'm open to Collaboration with anyone.

@rachiewabbit @wabbitvoices

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