PASSING ON A GRENADE

When I was growing up, I lived with my grandparents during school days and would often travel during the holidays. My grandparents ran a typical communal home where we always had uncles, aunties and cousins breezing through, sometimes briefly and sometimes for long period of time.

For the short holidays, I would often get sent to my dad who would send me to my paternal uncles if he has to travel. One of my uncles was married to a Sierra Leonian and another was married to a German.

For many reading this, i probably come across as having a great life, however for a relatively introverted person like me, the inconsistency of been tossed around was quite painful. At my maternal side, i was envied by other children for travel opportunities, while on my paternal side, I had to deal with language and cultural norms which differed from my maternal side. In fact, when I was very small, I would make one sentence with multiple languages.

Thank God for good intent , as everyone had good intentions , I grew up to where I had to personally define myself to both sides of family I still don't know if i succeeded) because when they defined me, I was quite confused as I could not even merge their definitions of me with me.

I had classic case of identity dysphoria. in my mother's family, I am called a Sierra Leonean simpy because I look like My Sierra Leonean Grandma who I never knew, On my father's side, I am tagged an Ijebu Girl because my mum is from Ijebu Ode, Outside, I get asked where I was born because I lack the Yoruba accent and my English has a non localized accent added to the fact that I seem to use words that are supposedly too British. In school, teachers tried picking on me to correct my accent (as if I could just because they said so).

I spent years trying to be who each person said I was when I was around them and it was quite exhausting, pretending to like things that I didn't like and passing on chances I craved.

As a parent, I had since decided my children must not experience the confusion I had with my identity and as such, I started taking a firm stand on my personality, I have probably offended a cross section of people but if that is what it takes to stop passing on this grenade of disillusionment.

The assumption that we did not hurt from our childhood imposed values and so we MUST pass it on is a feeling that stems from trying to create tribe of ourselves regardless of the positives or negatives therein. It is hurting many simply because we feel it is a sociocultural expectation.

I ask the question, whose expectations?

If a family culture hurt you, who says you have to pass it on ?

When my marriage broke and everyone was talking about assets and stuffs, I wasn't on the same page, I was primarily focused on making sure my children had a grounded base and didn't end up getting bounced around into an identity crisis like mine.

The misconception that single parent always raise dysfunctional children is a myth. Infact, most single parents place themselves in uncomfortable situations in their pursuit of raising less dysfunctional children. However, it becomes difficult when society including available support system keep reiterating the myth of dysfunction on the children.

It's ok to want a child to know and identify with their roots while gaining exposure to diversity but if there is a way to achieve without making the child dysfunctional, please take it. Let us learn to put the future first by putting the child first.

Life is hard enough without losing the chance to be grounded as an individual, let us aim to raise well grounded and independent individuals.