Through life, my own way.

My journey through life, my own way

Growing up a young girl in a rural setting has its own thrills. From taking a dip in the river to forging friendships, staying active at school, and participating in Sunday school activities, the thrill of it all is amplified when you come from a humble background with teachers as your parents. There are experiences throughout the day, some exhilarating, some painful, but all growth all the same. I wouldn't say I have a disability, but I remember being young; my friends would call me 'odino' to mean a deaf person.

Well, one of my ears is partly deaf, and the other is also partially; I would say 40% is good, while the other 60% lose sounds before reaching my brain. I had different names, my peers would mock me so badly, and teachers would make fun of me in assemblies because of this, but was it my fault that I couldn't hear clearly?

I have been asking myself these questions and mulling over these insults, which in turn have made me lose my self-esteem and confidence at a very young age. Being called odino, sometimes by my mother, siblings, and peers, was the epitome of my growth and made me lose my self-worth as I grew up. This affects me even right now, being 30 and still struggling with my self-esteem and my social skills. Sometimes my brain gives in and gives up hearing what people say. In group settings such as classes, meetings, or training sessions, I frequently face challenges in staying focused and engaged when the speaker possesses a soft or unclear tone of voice. What can I do? I still ask myself, Is it my fault I can't hear clearly?

When I reached the age of 30, I came to terms with my partial hearing loss. However, I decided to consult a doctor to explore the possibility of finding a cure and regaining my ability to hear fully, just like any other person. Unfortunately, the treatment proved to be too costly, leaving me no choice but to accept and adapt to my current condition.

I remember when I was in high school, some years ago, when my classmates learned that I couldn't hear perfectly like them, they started making fun of me. They would sit behind me and whisper my name repeatedly; I couldn't hear anything, and this satisfied their whims, and they would laugh at me so loud. It can be quite uncomfortable for me when someone raises their voice and humiliates me. I simply hope for the person I'm conversing with to be audibly clear without the need to shout. I want to make it clear that I am not deaf or consider myself to have a hearing disability.

I do have the ability to hear, although not to the same extent as someone with 100% hearing capacity. Most of my siblings used to shout at me when they addressed me, and some of them still do. Even some distant family members shout when they talk to me. It's truly embarrassing, and I swear, Lord knows how much it humiliates me. Most of the time, when I lose focus when the person addressing me is not audible, I mostly respond with 'Yes, yes'. So they would know I heard what they said, but in actuality, I lost them.

I have learned to survive through the chaos life has thrown my way. I have had to take years of being alone to heal and come out of my shell. Sometimes, when I walk on the streets, I stare at the ground the most; this is my way of coping. I mainly steer clear of social interactions. Through the years, I took off to be alone, and it has really helped me. Right now, I can even try and initiate conversations, but I don't get out of my way to start one. I believe once a spark is developed, the conversation flows organically.

Although I have participated in multiple public speaking trainings and even worked with a personal coach, I still find myself shying away from opportunities that require me to be in the spotlight. I am a very jovial person, but I wouldn't go out of my way to initiate friendships, which I do so well over the phone. My voice through chats is very different from my voice in person, which has really contradicted me. This year, I was a TEDx speaker! I am trying.

I might not have 100% confidence, but I have learned to be patient with myself. At times, I must constantly remind myself of my own beauty, courage, and intelligence in order to gather the confidence to engage with others. However, deep within the recesses of my mind, an insidious voice persists, casting doubt upon the authenticity of these qualities I strive to embody. Consequently, a shadow falls upon my shoulders, and a somber countenance befalls me in moments of solitude. My shoulders are heavy, and my gaze is melancholic whenever I find myself alone. I fear my own company most of the time, with the fear that this dark voice will tap into my brighter side and win. It is a battle.

I am able to write this to create awareness among people who have hearing problems. For people who don't need hearing aids but who need people to be more audible, you don't have to shout; just be audible. Don't insult us when we say 'pardon'. Don't get tired when we repeatedly say, 'Repeat what you've said'. It is not our fault; we were born like this!