Tolerating abuse

**Tolerating Abuse**

In our society, it almost feels like it's the most educated women who they can talk about domestic violence and physical abuse, and they can actually have the guts do something about it even that's a stretch. In Zimbabwe, from my observations, people know and recognize abusers among us, these are men who make it a habit to physically put their hands on their wives but they aren't called out for who they are and what they are doing ; instead, they are treated as normal people. It's not normal behavior to beat the woman you professed to love and to hold there is nothing normal about that. The sad part is that when physical abuse takes place, people are quick to try and "fix" the woman, as if it's somehow her fault the abuse is happening.

Abused women are usually very sensitive, making sure they are on their best behavior to avoid upsetting their spouses. The norm is that these abusers convince their wives to quit their jobs to take care of the house while they, the husbands, bring home the bacon. Funny thing, these guys don't really have much money coming in, yet their ego is big enough to fill a bus, constantly asserting, "I am the man of the house, I am the provider." And then they fail to actually provide what's required of them. In my neighborhood I have constantly seen women who are openly talking about what they are going through but would never report it to the authorities. It seems like an acceptance of this behavioral problem as part of the person's genetic make up.

Once a woman becomes a stay-at-home wife, she has to rely on the man for everything for herself and the children. If any unexpected expenses arise, she is accused of being wasteful and gets beaten for mismanaging funds. I don't understand what's wrong with Zimbabwean men and their cheating. Worse still, these abusers spread their love all over the place. What makes me really sad is when women decide to get pregnant once their husband starts cheating, as if another child will keep the man at home and stop him from straying. Instead of running away they continue to give birth to more and more children which ties them down to this abusive marriage because really it's hard enough to look after a single child what more 4 more children and you have to do it all alone. They are scared to start afresh and frankly enough noone is willing to take on the baggage of another person, relative or not.

It's the lies that drive me mad. The other women who are willing to date married men are the ones also not helping the situation frankly they are helping the abusers because don't care about the lies they spew, as long as they get money. What about the man's children and all of his responsibilities? There are women who won't stand up and support another woman, embracing the notion that as long as it's not happening to them, they don't care.

I am not here to provide answers or solutions, but to ask questions to anyone who might to listen to my ramblings :

- **Why is it that the first time you get beaten up, you do nothing about it, even though you know it's not right for anyone to lay a finger on you?** You might love them the first time it happens, but what about the third or sixth time?

- **Why do you accept verbal abuse as if you are a child who needs reprimanding, as if being a wife means you must be perfect in every role you play?** Is it possible to live a life without error, where the moment you make a mistake, you get thrown out or beaten?

- **Why do those we rely on for comfort, advice, and direction encourage staying with abusers for the sake of the family and children?** They say marriage is for better or worse, and that abuse is just a phase that will pass. That it's the job of the wife to pray, Isn't this just empowering the abusers, ?

- **Why aren't neighbors, relatives, and friends given the power or encouraged to report domestic abuse on behalf of the abused woman?** The law only wants the victims to report and speak up. If their voice is silenced, who can stand in the gap and bring light to what's happening?

- **Why do people look the other way and offer empty words of sympathy that bring no change or protection for the victims?**

- **Why have we, as women, become so desperate to be called "Mrs." that we ignore and overlook obvious patterns of abuse?** Men with unexplained failed marriages are usually a red flag. If he was so good, why did the other woman leave? Mothers aren't teaching their daughters that there are wolves to look out for when they start dating. Not every man is a potential husband.

- **Who will make the abusers reform?** Can the law do enough when the enforcers themselves are often abusers, and reports are treated casually? Can the church intervene? I know God can change a person, but how long or how much can you pray until they actually change ummm?

The media has done its part, yes, by advertising about reporting abuse, but does it make a difference? Does it automatically remove the demons driving these monsters to beat their wives, who then swear they'll never do it again, only to repeat the abuse at the slightest provocation?

It sounds like a broken record. Mothers who have been abused teach their daughters that men are like that, that it's in their nature. The boy child learns that women need to be disciplined to stay in order.

I don't have the answers, but these are the questions that haunt me as I observe this cycle of abuse continues happening around me.

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