TOXIC RELATIVES

It's painful when a relative regularly displays actions and behaviours that hurt you or otherwise negatively impact your life. I was once at a point that I felt such exhibiting toxicity affected my self worth, self esteem, self confidence and self love.

I remember when I was 6 years old my parents had separated and I had to move in at my aunt's house. Every morning before I go to school, I had to grind maize using motar and pestle. A motar in Africa is a bowl made of hardwood and pestle is a heavy club-shaped object used for pounding. Before flour making machines were introduced in Africa, people used wooded pestles and mortars to pound dry maize grains and dried cassava roots into flour. The method was not easy at all and it's time consuming. Sometimes I would be late for school and get punished. Life was not good as I thought it would be. I wasn't allowed to play around with her children, I was excluded from interacting with other people. I was not allowed to call my parents and if it happens I had to say everything was fine. I was served small food when everyone was already full. I felt depressed and anxious around everyone and spend more time alone. I was too young to defend myself but I was a religious girl and I believed God would change my life one time.

June this year during our long holiday vacation, I visited my cousin in the city. I always yearn to live in the city because I have been raised in the village since I was a child. My cousin was nice to me during the first week. Then she started complaining I didn't know how to cook, something I agree to because the kind of meals she wanted me to prepare we didn't prepare them in the village. So instead of training me she would complain a lot. Everytime her children would want to have some discussions concerning theirs studies she would stop them and say that I know nothing, because I'm just a village girl. Everytime we would hangout with her friends and I happen to give my opinion about something, she would silence me and tell them I knew nothing because I'm from the village. I would remind her that she was once a village girl but she would deny it and let her friends make fun of me. sometimes she would make me feel less than, she would criticize me and make me feel guilty.

I think it's good to cut off emotionally abusive relatives and disown them completely. We don't need this kind of negativity in our lives just because we are related to them. Abusers rarely change because they always see you as the problem. They don't have necessary self reflection to recognize their role in your pain. Family is not about who is related to you, it's about who is there for you and genuinely wants you to be happy and successful. People who don't support you and who verbally abuse you don't deserve to be called family.

I used to accommodate an unacceptable degree of intrusive, inappropriate rude and alienating behavior in the part of relatives on the theory that family ties mean forgiveness and forbearance. I remember a time I used to live with my grandmother, she was too old and I was only 7 years old. We used to struggle to get something to eat and my rich uncle used to live on the opposite side of our house. My grandmother would send me to borrow food and everytime my uncle would remind me," remember your not an orphan and neither are you my child, your mother left you here." So she would give me one plate of the dish they had prepared and instruct me to take it to my grandmother and not to taste. I would obediently do that and he would come to confirm whether it's only grandma eating. My grandmother loved me so much. She would share some and hind me at her bedroom so that I could eat from there and nobody could see. It was such a pitiful scene but I thank God I'm now a big girl with my own goals and dreams.

Sometimes I would want to express myself when I felt angry or resentful, but nobody would listen to me. I would tell my cousin how bad I felt when she meant negative comments about me. The only response she would give was ," so what!" Sometimes it would feel difficult in trusting or getting close to other people. I don't have to love or hate on any relative who mistreated me, or displayed their humiliating hatred on me. I learnt from them, whether I learnt the hard way or how bad the situation was. It was bad and I would never wish anyone to undergo the same thing. I encourage any person that allowing people to mistreat you just perpetuates the abuse and the more you do it, the more you are complicit in your own mistreatment, because we are all ultimately responsible for informing others how we expect to be treated.

Soften your delivery in language that is not directed at them. Example," I feel sad when you make negative comments about me." Instead of ," you always criticize me and make me feel like crap." Talking yourself out is the key from depression. Let them know their behavior affects negatively. If they don't change and continue with their disgusting acts, I think it's essential to cut them off, because being around toxic people can be detrimental to your mental health.

Set boundaries. Boundary is not a question. It's a clear directive, and more importantly, it's something enforced by your actions instead of waiting for them to change. Other people should respect your boundaries, be it a relative, a family member, a friend. Don't allow relatives to control you over everything, be yourself, respect yourself, make your own decisions wisely, knowledgeably.