Yonderly

Validation.

The lack of attention as a child 

The absence of warmth and "love" 

Driven to the extent of seeking toxic validation 

A childhood aquaitance ,sexual abuse, being used by my own "freind" because he knew I was vulnerable 

And now as a I look back as an adult from that 8 year old I was 

 I recognize the importance of even a little hug so why is it that I let him do the things he did ? Or why is it i let myself cut the way i did? 

Is it out of Hate ,guilt or shame ? 

The questions will be a lifelong battle as my therapist says

But atleast for now 

Ive grown and created something of my own where validation doesnt come in play 

So 9 years later 

 when he said - 

"i feel guilty for using you " 

Why did i say 

"its okay,happens  " 

Something deep in me says, 

 no others come first 

Some tiny part of me pulls everytime I give in to others.

And to get even more messier 

I started liking him , I put him on a pedestal for showing me a moment  of attention. 

Why was it so hard to say NO

When clearly others could .

so now as a adult I learn and unlearn parts of myself ,

 like unboxing presents on Christmas eve - 

full of suprises .

Im learning to grow out of the barriers created in my head 

and re live a childhood.

Its hard accepting a past and marinating in insecurities, 

 but at the end of the day when I look back I see just another piece of abstract art

 like the ones they put up at museums.

Messy art 

But its still art 

It can still be worthy , viewed , hated or adored , prized or despised .

Its art in its true form .