Begging for mercy: help your child grow up free

First seven years you need just love your child, next seven years educate him, next seven years be his friend and after this let him go and pray for everything to be fine with him. The last seems to be the most difficult for us. But is all the rest much easier?

Recently I’ve read one interesting point of view about the difference in nurturing girls and boys. The idea was that for girls the most important is the feeling of absolute love. When a girl receives praises for what she does she grows with the feeling that she always must deserve love making good things. For example, if parents praise their daughter for good cooking, good marks in school, then she begins to think that if she will spoil some dish or receive not so brilliant mark, people will stop to love her. It’s much more difficult for a girl to believe that she deserves love just for being herself.

The opposite situation happens with boys. Very often they receive from their mothers praises: “You are the best, you are such a good boy”. Growing in this environment boys often become irresponsible, understanding that they deserve more than girls and women.

Boy’s nature is to achieve some target. For him the most important is when a mother shows his plane made of Lego to the guests saying proudly: “Guess who made this? My son did!”

A girl probably will not feel exited with the idea to feed all street with her soup. The only what she will understand is that she must exhaust herself feeding the whole street for the rest of her life. And there is no other way to deserve love for her.
I must confess, even understanding this point of view is a little bit primitive, in some meaning it reflects my reality. I am an adult woman but still I have an exaggerated sense of duty. I was a smart child and used to be among the first students in the school and University. At some moment I had difficult period in my life, I felt into depression and once I said to my mother: “I don’t know if this time I can receive the best marks on exams.” No, my mother didn’t ask what’s happened with me, she said: “Then you want to receive the worst?” I didn’t have a choice and made my best, received good marks, but… did it really worth it?

The opposite situation is with my brother. For my mother he has always predominant opinion. If we have different views my mother would rather listen to him.

I used to solve my problems by myself, because even now my mother repeats to me: “Our relations are more complicated because for me is more difficult to understand you than your brother”. Even we both are women, even I have at least half of my genes from her.

Erich Fromm, famous German philosopher and psychologist said that there are two kinds of parents love: Mother’s love and Father’s love. Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. Father’s love is justice. It depends on the achievements and good behavior of the child. Father's love can be lost, but regained by repentance and renewed submission.

Every child needs both these kinds of love, mercy and justice. And every child deserves to grow up free. So let’s help them to become happy and successful people with our love, support and praise!